A B C D Erica

I need to join the gym again.
I also need to open up a new bank account, so I get get direct deposit as well as a gym membership.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. I spent all today trying to get farmville to work again. FML. What a day off, right? I have to work at 4:30-1:00 on Black Friday. That means I've gotta go to bed at like 7:30 tomorrow night. What a good night. Not.

I'm donating blood in a few weeks. :D 

 So I just got done watching the original Last House On The Left. It fucking sucked. If I hadn't seen the remake previous to watching it, I would have had no idea what was going on. There seemed to be NO plot at all. It was so scattered it's not funny. Oh well.


I can't sleep. I'm slowly starting to feel a little bit better, but then again, tomorrow I could feel worse. I wish I had cable, because I have to wait to watch all the good shows. 

 Anything could be happening down there, but up here you just wouldn't know it.

 It is said that humans are made of the nuclear ash of dead stars. It is also said that when we die we will turn into dust, glitter, rain.

 I work 3-C on Halloween. 
& I don't even have enough money to get a costume. Actually, I have NO money.

 I don't get how someone can go from being really into you, and liking you a whole lot, and then one day just not.
It's seriously just my fucking luck. AND ALL FROM A TEXT THAT I GOT IN THE MORNING WHEN I WOKE UP. It was really thorough and in depth too. So he must have put some serious thought into it. It just really bums me out. He's the first guy to truly like me in a long time. I didn't have to do all the work for once. He put forth effort too. And then just like it never even happened, he doesn't even talk to me anymore. I really don't get it. Am I that atrocious? 

 I haven't had a good 8 hours of sleep for the past few days.

oh, and I love Tegan & Sara.

 Works giving me more hours.
I'm getting my laptop any week now.
anddd I'm starting school in a few months.

Things are finally starting to look up, and I'm starting to see things with a more positive outlook again!

Although this whole college process is stressful, I'm just trying to take one day at a time. I had to resubmit my application due to the fact that my first one was from 2008. No big deal. But on my web access account it's still saying that the Financial Aid Department is still requesting it, so I'm kind of stressing out about that. I'm going to give it a few days and call if it's still not in by Thursday. 

I just want to make my schedule and be done with it. Almost done though! I've just got to keep my head on straight and not worry about every little thing.  

 For the past 2 nights I've been drunk. It felt nice to just let loose and have fun. I don't really drink anymore so it was cool to just be out of line and crazy for once haha.

I'm going horse back riding tomorrow with my Dad, Vicky, and Mary. Maybe Bri if she decides not to be lame.

I'm into this one guy, but I don't know if he'd ever even give me the time of day.

Let's see let's see.

Went out to dinner for my cousin's 10th birthday today. We went to The Texas Road House. The food was really good. I kind of feel sick now though, and I'm not really sure why because I didn't even finish half of my plate. Stoked for left overs!


I have tomorrow off, and work Wednesday. Jess came over for a little bit today, she needed a cigarette and I straightened her hair for her. She's so nice. We just basically hung out and watched Tyra until she had to leave for class.


I don't really know why I'm awake, I went to bed at like eleven something, and just woke up and I have a feeling I'll be up for a while now. Tomorrow (today) is my Dad's birthday, as well as Steve D's. I feel bad that I don't have any money for presents, esp for my Dad. Maybe I'll make him a cake or something and a homemade card.


I really wish I could sleep normally. Ugh

I've gotta do something about this whole hating myself thing.

I can't sleep. I'm assuming it's because all week I've been on medicine that knocks me right out, and I tried just sleeping regularly tonight and I tossed and turned and just couldn't sleep for nearly an hour. So I took some night time shit, and here I am.

Be assertive.
Be sweet.
Be assertive.
Be sweet.


I guess I don't know when to stop being a fucking bitch.
So then I ruin everything.

Great.

I'd like to study abroad maybe.

....Paris....England?


The art there must be fucking amazing. Truly.

Day 5 or 6 of being sick. The medicine I'm taking is helping my cough a little, but it's still pretty violent.  I got sent home from work 45 minutes into my shift yesterday. I was trying my best to look peppy, and not sick, but I guess it wasn't working. Jen, my manager told me to go home because I needed to get better. I told her I was okay, I needed the money, and that I didn't want to get fired. All she said was, well you're sick, and proceeded to have me go home. I almost started crying on the spot. I like my job. I can't afford to lose it. It's not very often that you enjoy going to work.  I mean, I know that it's not my career or anything, but right now it's the only thing that gives me really flexible hours.


Whatever.

I really need to call Fidelis as well, to get some type of insurance. I can't be going around without any right now.  I also need to go grocery shopping when I get paid on Thursday. It probably won't be much, but I can at least get a few things.

My optimism is wearing down to almost nothing.
It's so hard to stay positive when you yourself hardly believe in you.

I try to be brave, and put myself out there. And it always ends the same way.
It's so disheartening.

I'm so sick of being alone.
I don't go out looking for a boyfriend.
I try and "let them come to me", and "Just stay positive because I will get a guy who's great"



but it doesn't happen.
Nobody even gives me the time of day.

I mean, I know I don't need a boyfriend to make me happy.
But I'm getting older, and I haven't even had that chance to have something serious.

I know I'm not the prettiest, or the thinnest.
But come on, I've seen even uglier girls than me get great guys.

What's wrong with me?




I hate complaining like this, but I need to vent.

I've been reading Broken Summers by Henry Rollins.
I never thought I'd be into his stuff as much as I am, it's soo good.

I've realized I'm always waiting around.
Waiting around for this person, or that person.

I'm always on time, in fact. EARLY.
Never late.

I'm not complaining, just stating a fact really. It just dawned on me.

Mary started school yesterday. I'm oddly jealous. I know I'm starting in January, but I feel so stressed about everything. My mom had no idea how to do any of the financial aid stuff, and neither do I. I need to go up to campus and see if someone can help me. I NEED to go. I WANT to go.